If I decide I'll try to ease up on being controlling, somehow I associate that with not practicing as much. Probably because I do believe in being able to control how good you get by how hard you work. And hard work equals practice, both length and quality of. It also equals reading analytical articles about piano playing; about the psychology of music; about the anatomy of the arms; being so immersed that you think about it constantly. But then, I guess, if you're like me, it becomes unhealthy. But swinging back to the other extreme is no good either--I can't just not practice and expect to learn anything. I also tend to let one thing in my life affect the rest of the things...and if I stop controlling anything, I'd probably also stop contacting people and forget to feed myself altogether.
In music especially you have to be so so proactive and willing to put yourself out there and take opportunities. I feel like I'm handicapped, though, and that I can't take the opportunities I want to. I have become so bitter--I feel it's unfair that other people don't have the problems I do; why do they deserve an easy ride any more than I do? But nobody is perfect. Everyone has problems. And I take comfort in figuring out what they are, maybe to make myself feel less alone, or maybe to give myself some strange sense of superiority, like, well maybe I still have arm pain after 2 years, but at least my emotional life isn't empty and I won't die alone with my music. That's a stupid example, though. AND when I get all bitter, it bleeds into my emotional life anyway!
